Currently on my Mind

I’m sitting in my favorite place in our home, my cozy bed, as I write this. The kids are “in bed” giggling, telling stories and fighting over Alexa’s discernment (she never can understand Winnie’s requests, which gets very frustrating for her). The baby is kicking like crazy in my belly, under my favorite nightgown. Collin is reading a book in bed, just next to me, and for this moment, all feels right. Grateful seems too mild of a word - the mediocrity, the routine, and the certainty are where I find my joy these days. I used to look forward to a vacation, a sponteaneous adventure or even a big life change, and while those things are still life-giving, they’re not what they used to be. I live for the days of running errands with my babes, school drop offs, dinner dates in our small town and meals together around our almost full kitchen table. That’s my happy place.

I have realized there’s a fine line here between comfort zone and happy place - a dangerous teeter of avoiding anxiety through routine, soaking in this place in life, for all it has to offer - good, bad, hard, emotional, exciting, and draining. I know if I venture too far out of this, my mind starts to race, I start making exit plans, I lose sight of the joy and lose my cool. My anxiety has seemed to worsen with each kid - knowing the ups and downs of them growing, knowing what a certain sickness can do or what possibilities exist on the other side of a new experience. “The more you know, the better” doesn’t always seem to be the case - I’d venture out to say that maybe the more you know, the more you fear. In any case, I hesitate to give more life to this whole anxiety complex than it already has - feeding that will only make it bigger.

I’m not really sure where I aim to take this post, but I think it’s important to just share that while the days can feel larger than I’m capable of handling, or while I even wake up somedays and feel the need to give myself a pep-talk just to make it through breakfast, the blessing of this life isn’t lost on me. The privilege that I have here - day in & day out - is something I try to make a conscious effort to receive.

Hands down, the most common thing people ask me is: how are you so laid back with your life? … I never really know how to respond because the truth is - I raise my voice, I lose my patience, I get sick of reading book and playing toys, I need breaks, and I’m not always laid back - but the guiding force through all of that is embracing the chaos - whatever that might look like for you. That is truly where the magic happens. Accepting what comes your way, enduring it, trekking through it - not avoiding it -, and growing in turn, is really what changes things. My life will never be perfect, I’ll never be as great of a mom or a wife as I’d like to be, and I might not even give it my best every day, but I refuse to take advantage of any of it, to lose sight of what is important here or what’s been given to me. I’ll show up every day, I’ll be present, and I’ll embrace whatever comes our way, because that’s all I know how to do.